The Bears are Von Trapped...

In the words of Owen Meany, from the incredible book by John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany, I trust these words immensely. THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS. Such is my case in point when last night I watched the first half of, The Sound of Music, on DVD. I talk about the movie at times, I reference the movie occasionally, but when was the last time I actually sat and purposely watched the movie opening credits included? I do not recall. Like I said, I watched the first half last night while Jake and Tammy did something which now escapes me, and then he wanted to watch a comedy and Maria Von Trapp gave way to Uncle Buck with John Candy (hilarious by the way). But, since watching the first half of the movie and both halves of the Bears game that just ended in a lopsided blahdeeblah, it comes as no surprise that my head is full of new lyrics...

(To the tune of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?")

How do you solve a problem like the Bears?
How do you catch a ball and bring it down?
How do you find the wins that mean a title?
A fumble dee bum, a will of the wrist, a bomb

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell them
Many a thing they ought to understand
But how do we make them play?
And listen to all we say?
How do we keep the wave up in the stands?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Bears?
How do you hold a football in your hand? (recall nun wooOOooOoooo voices here)

Ok, ok I'm done. Ugh. I lost two bets on that game, darn it. There goes two bucks and I don't mean deer up here.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am thankful for everything I have and everything I don't have. I am blessed. Now, if only someone would bless the guy at Home Depot before I go there and poke his eyeballs out ala Larry Stooge. Why? Well, Tammy and I went to Home Depot last weekend to buy paint to paint all the ceilings upstairs (ick) and then paint for the living room, hallway, and basement stair way. Tim, the Depot dude, captured us and told us of the new Behr Ultra paint that has the primer right in it for the walls, and produced the sample board to prove you will only need one coat even if painting over red. Hmm...sound too good to be true? He assured us that in the long run we will save money by not buying primer. Cut to Thursday. Kids are with their dad. We are all set up for painting. Dogs are locked outside, music on the iPod speakers is filling the house with eclectic artists, including but not limited to Kitty Wells and Bob Dylan. We are ready to paint. The ceilings came and went no problem. Tammy rolled, I trimmed. Now we begin the living room walls in what they call Summer Moon, but to me known as truck stop butter pat yellow. Long story short this paint sucks. It runs, it's thick, it's the Log Cabin syrup of paint. It ran like a sprinter. We had to do three, count 'em three, coats. We used all the paint we bought just on the living room. I don't think I've ever heard Tammy swear as much since I've known her. It was George Thoroughgood, Baaaaaaad to the bone. B-b-b-b-ba-yud. The room looks fantastic though but never again will we use that paint. Nick's coming tomorrow to patch and mud and then we will do the kitchen and hallways this weekend most likely. It never ends...

We did get the tree up as you can see in the picture. You won't know but I do, that the walls are painted nicely. Tipsy the cat only has five lives left though since she likes to walk the room as close to the wet walls as she can get, but other than that...

Satruday we went to Tammy's sister's for the family Thanksgiving. It was super delicious and part of the reason I lost no weight this week. My weigh-in is on Sundays but today it registered no change. I'll take that as a positive since I packed in the turkey and dressing and all of that stuff and no change means no add-on. I'll take it.

I'm thinking this is all I'll write for now. My Bears are done for the playoff picture. Vikes are looking good I have to say. I think we need to rename the Timberwolves the Twigpuppies for now and the Wild, the kinda rowdy but not missing curfew guys. Let's hope Tubby Smith can get some wins from his felons!

Take care everybody. Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night!

Deer me, it's a Wild life

Greetings and salutations fellow blog travelers. I have been remiss in keeping my weekly updates weekly. In life we either have results or reasons. I have many reasons why I am behind and the results speak for themselves. One reason being the basment has been torn up and my computer lives there, and had to be covered daily to keep the sheet rock dust from infiltrating the be-bopper-thingees that make computers go hmmmm. We had a water leak, well, actually the hose was left on a trickle by a mysterious physical phenomena (since no one will own using the hose, it must've been magic) for close to a week, and it leaked into the wall between the foundation and basement wall, so Tammy's nephew got it all fixed up and we purchased the paint today to cover the "new" spot, yadda badda bing. Of course that led to discussion of what we want to do with the house in general since we are not moving for a while (we looked at the possibility of going north the 7 miles into the kids' school district but that's not feasible right now since all the foreclosures and short sales have diluted the market prices, etc.) and what to do with the basement and kitchen, and that led to more paint being purchased, currently scheduled to be applied this week and weekend. And THAT led to discussion on painting the kitchen cabinets and buying new counter tops. And THAT led to discussion of remodeling the basement and turning the bedroom down there into a master bedroom for us, expanding the bathroom down there and adding a walk-in closet. And THAT led to me popping this beer and starting my blog... I can't take it...... bwahahaha

Long story short (too late I know), Tammy and I took her mom and brother Dan to the NHL Wild game a couple of weeks ago. I scored the tickets from my work since all the guys were tied up with deer opener. You know, going unshaven for days, dipping the Skoal or Copenhagen, drinking beer, guy bonding chest pounding tall tale telling; my co-workers live for it, and you get my drift. Minnesota goes crazy for its hunting, that's for sure, and most of the guys I work with hunt. Well, except Kenny, but he trolls the happy hours for all the hunter widows during the season so in a sense he's a hunter too. That said, we had a ball at the hockey game. Great seats and a good game and we won against the Dallas Stars, which were formerly the Minnesota North Stars. Sarah opted not to go becuase she is crazy (my opinion lol) and Jake did not go because he was hunting (of course) with his dad down near Winona. Andy got a deer this year, a 13-pointer. The term, "Nice rack," has a different meaning up here you know. Hence the photo of Jake with a decapitated deer head in his hands. How sweet.

Right now I just got done on the treadmill, or the hampster wheel, as I call it. I'm up for losing a few pounds this winter and fitting into some older jeans I remember fondly. Wish me luck. I'll either get there or not; results or reasons that's for sure.

Tonight the Bears take on the Eagles for the late game. Jake loves the Eagles. McNabb is even his screen saver. So I'm about to embark on making jambalaya from scratch and donning my Urlacher jersey to settle in and watch. I'll also have my autographed Gayle Sayers mini-helmet on display and my Bears koozie and...ok, that's enough. He'll sport his McNabb jersey (that I bought him by the way - hope he remembers that if the Eagles are thumping them - lol)and use his Eagles drinking glass. Oh how I wish the Bears were playing better this year. Oh well, it should be fun anyway. Let the taunting begin.

I guess that's about it for this week. Take care everyone. I love you all. GO BEARS!

Love,
Diane

Knock it off

Another Halloween has come to pass. Wow. My dad even called to see what I created for costumes this year. There was a time Halloween was my favorite holiday. It was so primal and rough. So, so early scrapbooking. Now it's as commercial as Christmas so I'm not so anxious to, "get my pumpkin on". I still appreciate my Oingo Boingo theme song, "Dead Man's Party" and like to carve pumpkins and all of that but I don't get all het up for it. Now I just watch old Roseanne halloween episodes. I think that surprised my dad. But that's life, the evolution of it. It's like my Grandma Jane still putting out green onions for me as a snack because I loved them when I was five and she thought that was so cute. I was like, Grandma! I'm 18. I kiss people now. She never did get it. Or maybe she did. Heh heh heh. She always was a sly one, my grandma.

We pause this blog for a Special Report: Here's an interesting tidbit for you all. A recent study from a controversial unaccredited school shows that telling someone to, "just calm down" when they are extremely agitated or angry only works about nine percent of the time. "Knock it off" doesn't work at all and there is no proof that "hey, settle down" works and in fact, "take a deep breath" and "sit down and relax" work even less. And if you want to get punched in the forhead try telling someone irate to, "just mellow out". Hey, I read it in The Onion so it must be true. It was right next to the article by the woman claiming that if God had intended her to love and tolerate gay people he would have given her the warmth and compassion to do so and that he works in mysterious ways. I love The Onion.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

I myself never did fall victim to the over hyped H1N1, being impervious to such infections by a steady influx of Miller Lite. However, I have been battling a cold and cough for over two weeks now. In fact we had to cancel our long planned outing with Cathy and Andrea last Friday night. I was bummed, bummed I tellya. And Saturday we had no trick-or-treaters at all. What the? We are "a little rural" but still. So we watched a movie instead. "The Painted Veil", with Ed Norton and Naomi Watts. Two thumbs up. Good heavy drama. Segue alert - bam - On Tuesday I am going for my annual physical, so I got that going for me. Yeah, now I have five days to worry she's going to find that hidden festering globule that's been slowly growing deep inside my torso since the day after my last physical. That used to be kind of funny until I realized I am now in my mid 40s and that stuff really happens. Oh well. If she does find a grapefruit or some other kind of fruit, maybe an ugli fruit or pear, I'm sure I can sell it to Ringling Bros. or on eBay.

Sunday we went to Tammy's sister's house to surprise her for her 50th birthday. She sure was surprised since she's only 39. That was awkward. We'd always been told she was the oldest. Actually, it was a super nice surprise and about 20 or so people were there and we think she was genuinely surprised. We came early and decorated while they were at church and her daughter even came to town and surprised her from North Dakota. Yeah, it was a surprise all right. She didn't know she had a daughter. I told her to "just mellow out". The doctor said the goose egg on my forehead should fade in about a week. Go figure.

I better end this now. Bears won. Vikes won. Phillies on TV now, losing the series 3-2. Come on Utley. Have a great weekend everyone. Until next time.

Love,
Diane





Back to our reg

Shepherd's Pie Anyone?

Here we sit at Sodium Manor, with a light drizzle tapping against the windows, enjoying the warmth of our home on a quiet Sunday October morning. Jake's next to me here at the computer and Tammy's upstairs making a breakfast of eggs and hashbrowns. Sarah's at her friend Mariah's and all is well. It's going to be an all sports day today with the Vikings playing at noon, the Bears, ON TV baby, at 3, and then the Yanks and Angels tonight. Hence, the blog cometh early today. This is the season that I live for, Fall. Sweatshirt weather and lots of sports and the blessings of a roof over my head and a family to share it with. Let's not forget all the animals too... They are now for sale by the way. See Fido's List for details.

Speaking of animals, Jake got another fish to replace McNabb, the world's largest beta (seriously a big fish in a little pond. That sucker was HUGE) who passed away from old age a few months ago. Before you judge me as I swore off any new animals and have kept the hampster conversation at bay thus far, I washed my hands of the whole thing. It's his fish and his alone. His reward for surviving H1N1 I guess. There will be no tank cleaning or feeding from this chica. Well, I'll feed him if Jake is gone, but if the tank turns black from lack of attention it will not be my deal. (Uh, yeah, right. I'm so mean that way.) His new red beta has been named Yoshi after the Mario charcter who's butt I kicked over and over in Mario Kart, oh yeah! I have all gold's and one silver, but alas, I digress.

Yes, and speaking of animals part two, we are having shepherd's pie tonight and it will include Neka, the American shepherd as the main ingredient. Work that Iron Chef Mosimoto. I'm going to skin and cook her up along with Buck the golden, also known as "the doorknob". He was the one holding the door when God was passing out dog brains. Don't get me wrong he is a sweetie-pie (which will fit nicely in my shepherd's pie), but he is a dim bulb. He is also food obsessed. So much so that when I got home from work on Friday the first thing I noticed was Jake's fish food container lying open and empty in the hallway. Jake prefers to use the beta balls for his fish and as soon as I walked in Neka plopped herself down to guard the mess, licking the carpet to get the deep down balls of brown. Nice. So I gingerly advanced into Sarah's room like a big busted floozy in a horror film, and no surprise, could not find her yellow plastic container of fish flakes. I found one trace that it had been there at all. On the floor was a small chewed up piece of yellow plastic. Oh look, he left a crumb I thought. There was no container to be found. I even looked under the bed knowing it wouldn't be there but I did find a live cat napping, so that was a bonus. That is, until Jake found the evidence in our bedroom, a yellow chewed on tube lying amongst the now red stain of artifically colored fish food that they had licked into the beige carpet. Anyone want a 65 pound shepherd and 70 pound golden? We just had the carpet cleaned in August and now the bedroom looks like a murder scene from CSI. Billy Mays where are you? I need my OxyClean. Sans the coke please.

Last night we finally got our Serum's fix with Bruce and New Nancy and Dexter and "Bob". When you don't go to Serum's for awhile it is a treat, no trick. I love that place in all it's grimy goodness. Since Anoka IS the Halloween capital of the world (Google it if you don't believe me), Serum's is all decked out with spooky decorations and cobwebs, some of them are even fake unlike a normal day, and they put up all these old time photos that if you look at directly are like regular old brooch wearing ladies and collar stay sporting guys of olde, but from an angle are ghosts and skeletons and such. It's pretty cool. My wings were delicious and I brought home the leftovers to nosh on during all the sports today. Life is good. Tammy's still coughing though and has a sore throat, so her illness is not completely gone. That's a bummer, but she is still breathing so that's a good thing.

Guess that's about it. Oh, but if someone could explain to me cross multiplication of fractions in easy to interpret language so I can explain it to Jake, that would be helpful. Sufi? Heinsohn? Anyone? In the meantime, I have to go sharpen my utensils to begin my shepherd's pie. Neka? Buck? Come here please...

Love,
Diane

PS. Is Jake's costume from 2007 the coolest or what? Oh yeah.....

Cliches Cause My Nose to Wrinkle

Unfortunately for us, the "Takes One to Know One" virus did indeed turn into H1N1. Ugh, so cliche. For so long I have embraced the unique and in the end we get the massive fear mongered virus. Boo and hiss I say. How convenient though I had just received my new load of vacation from my work. It is added to my time bank every year at the end of September, my anniversary date for donning the golden handcuffs. Oh Andrea, the devil doesn't only wear Prada, sometimes the devil wears Wranglers and Red Wing boots, ah but that is a discussion for another day. In any case once Sarah was officially diagnosed (this conspiracy theorist IS still skeptical, just sayin...) last Monday morning I took vacation the rest of the week to prepare. Jake came home from school on Tuesday with a 102.5 and Wednesday Tammy went down with a 102 and a cough hoarse enough to make Brenda Vaccaro blush. Me? I had a bad cold this whole time but never did get the H1N1. Since I was the best of the worst I did my best to meet everybody's needs. It was tough and we were self quarantined. Luckily I always have my cataclysmic "just in case" beer supply on hand and Butterfingers. Everybody at one time or another was pretty much reduced to a puddle of goo and the weepys hit each at different times. Boy, did we watch a lot of movies too. That is not a complaint as I have always thought I should be paid to watch movies anyway and in a sense I was. Guess we joined Netflix at just the right time. What an unusual "vacation". Anne Frank and two whole families were in that small attic for two years and a month and we barely made it a week in a four bedroom house with a finished basement. I was about to call the SS myself, anonymously of course. Any bald spots you might notice are from pulling my hair out at various points but I have been told it will either grow back or you all can call me Bozo. The kids go back to school on Tuesday and all are back to healthy. What a weird weird week. One for the books. I was jonsin for some Serums wings by Wednesday and Dexter did offer to do a drive by and toss them in the driveway but I passed. We'll go this weekend.

Today was actually gorgeous outside and I just finished some grilling of T-Bones. We had T-Bones and steak fries tonight. My best grill of the season I think. Yes, I am tooting my own horn. It's taken me a couple full summers to master the art of charcoal grilling versus gas. Am OWN my Weber now. Carcinogens for everyone!!

Oops, I better go. BEARS ARE ON IN FIVE MINUTES!!!

Love,
Diane

Takes One to Know One

I moved to Minnesota in September of 2000. Since I have been up here we have had our share of cold snaps and spells, of below zeros and snow drifts aplenty. But never, in my 9 years of being embedded, have I seen this much snow accumulating this early in October. What a crazy year. The first week of July we had long johns on at softball games. I thought for sure summer would just come later but it appears I blinked and missed it. Last year at this time I was lying in bed bargaining with God regarding my pneumonia (God? Seriously. This is how I’m going down? Dude, come on. This? Bogus!) and as a result simply stopped smoking after 28 years (I wasn’t a heavy smoker so it wasn’t that big of a deal). This year I have the sniffles right now. No fever, no aches, just the sniffles and sneezes. Let’s keep it that way. Sarah went on a church youth retreat “up north” where two kids had to be picked up early due to illness and she arrived back at Sodium Manor last evening very ill. Symptoms indicate it could be H1N1 according to the doctor Tammy spoke with this morning. I’m going more for the TOKO strain of it, known as the “Takes One to Know One”, illness myself. So we’re keeping her home from school and will power wash Jake when he walks in the door tonight. I call it the Silkwood. Tammy’s bleaching all the doorknobs and handles and things. No fun that’s for sure. Sarah is a pet cuddler too so I better Silkwood the dogs and cats. Might as well do the fish while I’m at it, sorry Charlie. We don't want fish with good taste. We want fish that tastes good.

The bright side to all of this, yes, there is a bright side, is that it is chilly, wet, and cold outside and that means…MINNESOTA HOT DISH! WOO. You can say casserole all you want but it is hot dish up here and since I’m embedded like Donny Brasco, I say it now too. Tammy made this hamburger rice hot dish thing-a-ma-jig yesterday in the crock pot that is to die for. She’s doing a chicken thingee today since she is home with the germ monkey. And may I just mention how much I love that Tammy bakes? She is such a good baker, it’s like she went to military school at Pillsbury, was taught by General Mills, and roomed with her good friend Betty Crocker. I just finished my second oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. A couple weeks ago it was homemade banana bread. She says the secret to that one is using sour milk. I say, too much information, just slice it up please. If I want to get grossed out we can talk Lutefisk and Haggis, just don’t rain on my banana bread woman! Me? Oh I can cook too. I make a mighty mean meatloaf and I am a breakfast cooking Goddess, and as most of you know and have tasted, I AM the Grill Master (I’m waiting for Bobby Flay to throw me down, but for baking its Tammy Graham, no question)

The highlight of the weekend was that we finally joined Net Flix. Now Cathy has nothing to pester me about. Bwahahaha. Actually now I can sit and watch Joan Crawford in “Straight jacket” instantly. How cool is that? Jake’s already found the TV show place so has been watching Drake and Josh like a crazy man.

My Twins lost in three straight, sigh. Yanks took 'em down. Um, yeah, when you leave ducks on base every single inning to the total of 17 you aren't going to win. 17 men left Friday night. No team has left men on base in every single inning since 1912 and no, that's not a typo. 1912. Boo. Oh well, they tried. Bears were off this week. Vikes won. Big whoop. Their "real" schedule is about to start. You know the one where they actually play decent teams, not the soft underbelly of the NFL. (eyeroll - hee hee)

As for me this week, I'm going to drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and stay away from Sarah's cooties. Poor kid. No school tomorrow either for her. Guess that's about it from here. Take care.

Love,
Diane

Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

Please take note of the wonderful sunset from the front window of Sodium Manor Sunday night. Sarah took this photograph with her phone. Yes, with her phone. Technology still never ceases to amaze me. When I was a kid the coolest thing ever was snapping a photo with a Polaroid, ripping it out of the side of the camera, wafting your arm pit with it while counting off the 30 seconds before peeling the back off. If you peeled too soon it was ruined. If you peeled too late it was ruined. Oh what a game it was. Now, you snap and download and viola. Yes, that is pretty cool too, but with no risk it lessens the drama. How many photos do I have with stripes down the middle and blurry faces resembling Sasquatch all because I just couldn’t wait the full 30 seconds? Kind of like now, when I testily drive five miles out of my way and take 15 extra minutes rather than sit in traffic for 8 watching the driver next to me pick his nose. Oh I’m a smart one I am. They’ll never call me green and I’m glad, so there. What’s so good about green anyway? Green with envy, green-eyed monsters, green in the gills, greenhorn. There is no good green. (Green M&Ms are just slutty) Ask Kermit. He knows it ain’t easy being green. He sings that damn song for goodness sakes and we all shake our heads and give a knowing aww. So that’s what I think about green. Personal responsibility for my space and planet? Absolutely. Color of the day, flavor of the month? Never. Bush senior once drilled it into me through the media that Mohmar Khadaffi was as crazy as a soup sandwich yet he’s still running Libya decades later? What the?? And Elian Gonzalez seems just fine in Cuba last I heard. Next week it will be a new color. Well, unless we all die from H1N1. All we must ask ourselves is: What would Woodsy do? Hoot Hoot.


Speaking of hoots, we had one Friday night at Mama G’s with Deana, Donna and Maureen. You know, just when you think you know your friends they’ll up and surprise you. I had no idea Deana is obsessed with the game show, The Price is Right. No, there are no typos in that statement. THE PRICE IS RIGHT! She tapes it daily. Seriously. She even tried out for the show when they held auditions at Mall Of America last year. I had no idea. What’s even more surprising is she didn’t make the cut. If you met Deana you would be shocked she didn’t make the cut. SHOCKED I say. If anyone is PIR material, she is. All that could have been missing in my opinion were the 48DDs bouncing around. Isn’t that what you always see when you tune in? Some extra large woman bustling down the aisle when Johnny Olson shouts for her to COME ON DOWN! Ba-da-boom ba-da-boom. I believe buxom is the word. Seems like it anyway. So anyway, she didn’t make it but that woman can cite you the cost of a jar of Gold Bond Medicated Cream and a Zippo twin pack without even blinking. So of course we were all doing the Price is Right Yodel music remembering that Swiss Alps mountain climber guy. Deana says now it’s all about the Plink-O. Whatever. Life just never ceases to amaze me. Ever. Deana, my wish for you is to make the next try out. We’ll come and support you and I’ll stuff your bra with melons if that’s what it takes. GO GIRL. What a night we had. Then there was the skinny meth-head fuzzy-faced pony tail guy trying to lure Maureen outside as he was weaving past us on his way outside to smoke, and wanted her to come sit on his lap and keep him warm. Yeah, now that’s a winning pick up line. The creep factor on that guy was a 10 (insert Price Is Right yodel music here).



The rest of the weekend was spent watching the Twins and Bears. Twins tied it all up!!!! One game playoff TODAY at 4pm CST against Detroit to determine the AL Central champs. How cool is that? They’ve won 16 out of their last 20. I think they will do it too. GO TWINS. And of course my Bears won. YES!!!!! Tonight is Vikings versus Packers. VIKES WON! What a great sports time it is in the Twin Cities.


Guess that’s it for this week. Until next time….. GO BEARS